I am writing to you as I don’t have to give my name or my details and I’m so sad and embarrassed I don’t know where to turn, I don’t want to go to family or friends.
I have been married to what I thought was the man of my dreams for eleven years. We shared everything together, have a great sex life, opted not to have children to tie us down with the result we have been able to go on exotic holidays and afford a home we may not have been able to have had we had the expense of school fees etc.
Everything was perfect until five days ago when my husband came home from work early. He seemed very distracted and irrational and after a lot of coaxing he finally admitted he has been a member of that adultery website that is so much in the news and he wanted to come clean as he’s worried his name and details will come out and, on top of that, he used his office mail which he thinks is going to cause a lot of problems with his employer.
I am numb with sadness, anger and fear of what lies ahead. I just can’t believe he has done this to us, I thought he was as happy as I was. I want to know, has my whole married life been a lie and what do I do now? I just needed to tell someone.
The very first thing you must do is confide in your family, share this terrible burden with those closest to you and that, it would appear, is not your husband. You mustn’t go through this on your own no matter how embarrassed you are.
Usually in cases of adultery the excuses given are a lousy sex life, too busy with the children, too busy at work or just fallen out of love. In your particular case none of the above seems relevant so what we have here is a lier and a cheat. Remember, had the hacker not got a hold of this you would not be having this conversation and who knows how many more happy years your husband would have spent in hotel rooms around the country.
Of course in real life men and women meet in various circumstances and, sometimes there is a very strong attraction and things get out of hand if one or both are married, I know, I’ve been there. Sometimes it’s a one night stand, sometimes the attraction is just too strong and an affair begins and that can end up breaking up a marriage. But for me, there is something particularly low grade and tacky about a website for married people with no motive except sex – a pimping website where it is not a chance encounter but fully paid up sex for sale with the recipients not getting the cash. There is no talking himself out of a website like this – this is not your usual ‘friendship’, ‘dinner’, ‘looking for romance’ – this is plain having it off with a stranger with NO strings attached and everyone on the site is there for the same reason. There is no rational reason for your husbands behaviour except boredom or a bit of excitement on the side when what he should have been doing is livening things up at home if he felt he needed to, after all he did make a commitment to you.
I should imagine there are a lot of similar conversations going on in homes across the country right now with husbands and wives feeling very much the same way you do and what I would say to you is a very sound piece of advice given to me by my sister, ‘Never make someone a priority when to them you are only an option’.
Before I end, a few thoughts; once a cheater, always a cheater, remember, the first time he cheats is the most difficult one, after that it’s a walk in the park and if you forgive a husband who has paid to be a member of a website like this, you are only rewarding bad behaviour. This is a whole different ball game to the once off chance meeting where you end up with a person, this is planned and paid for in advance – kind of like murder and manslaughter – big difference.