Q My wife and I separated four years ago when our son was eight. Everything was quite cordial until last year when I started dating another lady, she is divorced with two children. I asked my ex wife if I could take our son to Spain on holidays with my girlfriend and her children and she flatly refused, even going to court to ensure he couldn’t travel with us. Needless to say, he was extremely disappointed and rather than add to his upset, I told him I had to cancel his trip due to lack of money so he wouldn’t hold it against his mother who he lives with. He now hardly speaks to me and really, I’m heartbroken. What can I do to get him back.
A I know you did it for all the right reasons, but I’m sure in your son’s mind you cancelled his trip so you could pay for your lady friend and her two children whose welfare you put ahead of his. You are certainly one in a million taking the blame and the brunt of your son’s misguided angst when you had done everything to include him in your plans, I feel extremely sorry for you. I’m sure your ex is quite sad things didn’t work out but, we must never use our children as an emotional punch bag, no matter how devastated we are. My advice…no more Mr Nice Guy carrying the can for your ex wife’s bitterness. Going forward be honest with your son and in fact, should the subject come up at a later date about the holiday, tell him the truth. Say that it’s only because of the negative effect it’s having on your relationship that you are now coming clean with him, you were trying to protect his relationship with his mother to your own detriment. Make it quite clear that in all things he comes first and you would never leave him behind in preference for another – you were just trying to keep the peace and due to his mother and the courts, him travelling to Spain was not an option. As for your ex wife, it’s time she got real. Of course it’s disappointing when the marriage you’ve invested a lot of time and effort in, had children with the man you thought you would spend the rest of your days with all falls apart, but as the saying goes, ‘shit happens’ and you have to move on…unless of course she prefers to be a miserable bitch and drag everyone down with her which isn’t conducive to kick starting her life and letting everyone off the hook…and that includes herself!
Going forward be honest with your son and in fact, should the subject come up at a later date about the holiday, tell him the truth. Tina Koumarianos